drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
