It's like God shit irony all over that family
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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