You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
