I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
