so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
