I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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