So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
