I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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