May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
