last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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