zippers are such a cool invention
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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