Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize