I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
