Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize