Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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