Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I looked at my own cervix.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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