We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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