Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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