I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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