You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize