Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
