so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
