Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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