I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
