Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
