Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize