A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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