Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
