I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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