Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
