my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
