The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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