When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
