yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
