You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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