smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
