just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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