i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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