It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
