Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
