Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize