Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
