So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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