I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
