Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
