I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
