Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize