Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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