Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
