my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
