I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
