god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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