She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How does one acquire holy water?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
