he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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