I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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