he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize