She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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