You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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