i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
