plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
