Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i will never coherently bang her
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
