He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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