well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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