The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
