I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
