I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
