In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
