I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
