Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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