So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
