Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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