Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
