HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
